Jeda: Menitipkan Memori?

“Being deeply loved by someone

gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply

gives you courage."

- Lao Tzu

It was weird, if I must choose a word to describe it. Peculiar but it did not come as shocking or deranging (lol, what a weird Google word I used here haha). But it was weird. A Skype call which was planned to discuss works and Hi Carla, ended up ending at almost 5 AM. Our most longest conversation ever. I did not check the time actually. We went through Islam & Secularism's book, on Nature of Man to be precise. We talked about many things, but I wanna record few important things I don't want to forget:

On when he out of the blue, said that that was the reason on why he did not persist before, when I was talking about someone's life (on shared dream). I actually forgot what the pretext, it was so fast. But I remember he said, "That was why. He felt like he cannot make me happy as I don't seem to need or depend on him about anything." (I precisely remember this)

That "I depends kat you nak dengar apa you cakap." Where further down the road, he said he felt rendah diri as if I don't need him.

And where I asked, "How did he knew that I don't need him?" And that, I did not know how to show.

It was rather ... deep, much deeper than what we used to go to. That depth. That darkness. 

That I know he showed me how he cared. 

That the reasons that made him felt low or intimidated (then now I recalled what kak Kam told me a year ago about him felt like not a match, that then from that, Kak Kam inferred that he actually had a feeling towards me), was not what I am looking for. Not a standard I look up to. About him.

And it brought me to tell him how I actually liked him. From the start. 

And I said, that I am happy when I was with him. That I normally cried first before talking to him, because I don't know how not to. That made it looked as if I don't need him.

That it was so hard to move on, because of what he meant to me. And I told him that I already made peace, forgave him, and I doa him to be paired by Allah with someone whom Allah will always make her better for him. 

And I remember, way before that, randomly too, (seriously, I don't intend our conversation to go this way; I honestly is okay to let him go), that I found that relationship is indeed unique. And I related that with my story of how I talked with Athira about each couple is its own story. (Maybe this was the nudge that made him started to feel like opening up). 

And then he told about sacrifice, which as always I said, I dislike the connotation of the word. Where he un-promptly said that he has not smoke since months ago. (And I suddenly remember now on how he said he will stop smoking when his wife asks him to)

But this reminds me of a dream I got months ago. On how a male friend told me in that dream that be patient (somehow) and don't "go" yet because he didn't "grow" yet. 

And I remembered too discovering about his brilliance of his heart. I said, he has a gifted understanding, where it just that systems, educations had 'failed' that side of him. That was actually new. 

And I remember telling him that I may acted way I acted before (seems too fast) as I didn't like things that may go south due to our own actions. Like no berkah. If things are actually good, shaytan will try to make it go bad. 

I am still unsure (but not unstable). But he looks like he is fighting. He kept on coming back. I found something that he needs the space too. The time. Maybe he was there as a very good friend, that was his decision for himself and I believe that he will decide for the best for himself. 

He explained himself, which he didn't need to do. 

And I told him too that if ever he felt that he could not express with words, I know he always show by his action. I know. And I said, he can do so by songs, poems or anything. 

Now I somehow understand how to go with the flow. On how when I kept on resisting, he felt like no control.