Ethereal: Acknowledgement

all nearness pauses, while a star can grow

all distance breathes a final dream of bells;
perfectly outlined against afterglow
are all amazing and the peaceful hills

(not where not here but neither’s blue most both)

and history immeasurably is
wealthier by a single sweet day’s death:
as not imagined secrecies comprise

(E. E Cummings)

Maybe for things to have some closure (though I have said to myself how it will be a bit easier if we simply admit and accept the reality as it is: "That maybe I may not get married", see, boleh ja just plain easy stating it), we need to acknowledge some matters that had been impactful to us.

I will say to him, thank you for being one of reasons that made me stable back with myself. I started to work on my mini personal projects was because I feel at peace befriending you. I don't know exactly why this can happen but this matter, I must admit.

I say thank you for noticing small details of me, especially when I need. Sometimes, I forget to rest, I forget to be more empathy and you're there to say, "Sha, lepas ni rehat kan?", "Sha, encik Azri tu nak bakar line Sha ja" - always sharing another perspective with me.

I will say thank you that you for once open up the space of intimate feelings in myself. For that door to open and where you can 'sit there and relaxed', without me guarding up, that is something I cannot do myself.

I will say thank you too for giving me feel to something, more than just being a robot.

That are for the past.

Now, for the future I want to say thank you in advance for your understanding if I may not be as close with you for I may at times need to protect my feelings, myself.

I want to say thank you in advance as I need you to be a good friend to me by being professional at work with me - I may not entertain we having long talks for hours like we used to. I hope you'll find someone else to do that with you. And I know you will find, kan? I hope we stay talking in groups which is fine for me.

I want to say thank you for the opportunity but I cannot carry on like this. I hope you can respect my decision because I know I couldn't be 'just friend' with you. I want a confidence back in myself, I want to happily telling myself that, "Hey dia dah pergi. Aku hargai masa dia dengan aku tapi itu sahaja. Takpa, itu dah rezeki" instead of sedih for no reason. 

I especially mean this, I want this to happen sebab I don't know what you want and I don't want to force anyone. I want him happy but in the process, I too want to be fully happy. I want to not wait and let go other people who want to be with me, simply because I can't say these.

Okay done.