Jeda Itu Sahaja

"You are the only person I can talk with

about the shade of a cloud, 

about the song of a thought —

and about how, when I went out to work today

and looked a tall sunflower in the face, 

it smiled at me with all of its seeds."

(Letter to Vera, Vladimir Nabokov)

Las Meninas by Diego Velázquez

Am I afraid - hell, yeah, I am. These past few weeks I kind of having those disturbed sleeps where I feel like lost for I am scared if I couldn't sleep back - the anxiety: yes, hell yes I feel it to my bone.

Hell yes I am so damn afraid to end up fail again, hell yes.

Hell yes too when even now I was rejected again in my application for my car loan - who cares anymore about having a car now? The thought of failure, of rejection - they tainted my sights and agitated me in my core.

The thought that I am too will be left alone, unmarried - hell yes, the image of that scared me. The thought that again I will be left unrequited - hell yes.

But I woke up today, will I let the fear eat me? Fear will paralyze us but what we do with it? Do we let it eat us - hell, yes, no!

That's my answer. It's tough but the softness in me shouldn't stand in the way when I am ignoring myself to be let eaten by fear and those bad images.

I long for a Vladimir to have an eye like how he was with Vera, but the hope of having one shouldn't stop me being a Vera even to oneself with no Vladimir. Layla stays beautiful even without Majnun, when Majnun only sees wall due to his blindness to the world and his own fear.

I will remember how I can even smile at the simple gift of that bottle of KK Mineral Water - because the thought of why I should drink more water accompanied that purchase.

I will remember how silly we can enjoy the 2.5 hours traffic congestion with just talking; how even my small smirks, hummings and sounds were captured and asked.

I will remember how I was seen sad even when I was not uttering a word -  those few moments I felt cared, I will cherish for some time.

But I will not let hope eats me and paralyze me.

That's it.

I will use these 14 days for this and that's that.

They say, do not go gentle to that dark deep nights - it's admittedly true. The gentleness of the wave shouldn't let me forget that I am not easily captured - for I live in the dark deep sea, the game I will be in is not gentle, so I shouldn't be one too.


Shafira,
Sijangkang,
Day 3 of COVID RMO.